Feliz Falsedad

Esto es todo lo que tengo que decir al respecto. Ok, soy maybe you won't understand the lyrics, this is one of my favourite Xmas songs although is not so festive.
Now I'm grieving the fact that many people in the world will have nothing to eat on Xmas eve (or any other day FYI) so see you another day!

Empty Walls

What would you do in case of another world war? Do you think you would have the guts to survive? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t, I don’t think I could kill a human being even if my life (or those of my cherished ones) was on the line. Hell I can’t even kill a cockroach and I’m practically terrified of them ( so bad that I live in a hot climate and they’re like a plague).


Okay, maybe today I sound a little off but I have this thought invading my mind all of the time now. It’s just that every time I see the news I wonder how much time is going to pass before we send everything to hell and start World War 3 (doesn’t it sound like the name of a video game?). What scares me the most is the possibility of Bacteriological war, I imagine world population being infected by some shitty virus turning us into big hungry zombies (okay I watch to many Zombie movies), just in case I have near me at all times my Zombie Survival Guide in flash cards (thanks to Max Brooks and Mr. Cute Engineer for providing me with this).

By now you must think I completely lost it, bust just try to imagine. If, by any chance, we manage to not kill ourselves, wouldn’t it be possible that Mother Nature tried to take revenge for all the abuse we put her through? I’m happy to say that most likely I would survive that, not because I’m respectful (that I am) but because Roland Emmerich tend to save most countries with warmer climates (it's a shame taht for maybe half the population of the world the irony is clearly lost), and a guy who makes is living with disaster movies can’t be wrong.

And what if the animals where the ones to rebel against the human being? Would dolphins leave the sea just to torture us? (yeah,yeah I’m a fan of The Simpsons too).

Don’t even get me started on computers, because I’ve seen The Matrix too (all three of them, I think they should have stopped with the first).

It’s clear enough for those reading that I’m into science fiction, that I love horror movies and books and that I’m a huge fan of The Simpsons, well that was not the point. What I hope reaches your heads is that all of this things could really happen (well maybe except for the dolphins) and it’s really time to take action. Maybe a good course of action (though a little bit paranoid) would be start buying land and start building bunkers, amass all the food and water you can and just wait for the end of times!!. Well I’m sure I will not see it but one way or another it’s going to happen.

This is reason number two for me not wanting kids, what a fucked up world we are going to leave them . You wan to hear reason one? Well, maybe another day.

Be yourself

I was really going with a vampirism theme today but something I read made me change the topic for today. You’ll have to wait on my random musings about vampires in literature, I promise to do it another day though.

We (as in humanity) seem to have a tendency to label and categorize things. A good example for this could be music, there’s a certain genre of almost everything and it gets quite confusing with some of this “genres” of music, you can’t say a group does metal nowadays you just have to specify which kind of metal they do. The same thing happens with literature and cinema and almost every other thing in the world, even with clothes!! Who the hell invented the term Vintage for Pete’s sakes?!

You could see it as a way to differentiate yourself against the rest of the world, this way you can say that you’re a punk rocker who likes gothic novels and buy your clothes in second hand shops. That doesn’t make you different my friend; it makes you a part of a larger group. Because even when you think you’re some kind of renegade you have found a place where you fit in.

What irks me the most is when we feel the need to catalog people into different sex options. So nowadays it’s just like you have to state if you’re gay, lesbian, hetero or bisexual. I don’t understand love (or lust for the nonbelievers) like something that depends on the gender. I understand love as a feeling that someone stirs in you, whether it’s woman or man or the both of them at the same time. I believe you fall in love with the person, so as you can see I’m some kind of social outcast for thinking like that. Good girls marry good guys and have nice children (that’s a topic for another day).

My point is that I don’t want to be categorized as some kind of specimen in a museum, this is who I am. The girl that thinks of life in terms like “I love it or “I hate it”. The girl who’s not afraid o try different things just because she wants to (not because that would make her different or cool),tThe girl who has fallen in love with boys and girls and she even believes than people can be in love with to different people (providing they have a heart enough to love, mind you). But what I really am is the girl who is not afraid of letting go of the boundaries impossed by society when se deems it necessary. And I ask you this, why would you kill to defend your family k(nowing that killing is really something despicable) but will never try sex (best thing in the world) with someone your same sex? Maybe one day you'll find soemone who stirs that particualr emotion on you and then you'll remember my words. Until then, please don't judge the rest, and please stop referring people with their sex option. He's not gay, he's just himself!

What does that make me? Let me tell you, it makes me “Me” and I couldn’t be happier with myself.

Would you have the guts to love me? Would you have the guts to be yourself no matter what they think of you? Just know that since I'm maried we will have to make a mènage a trois?

Clair de Lune

Ok, I have so many things to say that I'm straining to choose a topic for today. I think I'm going to choose to talk about the impeding Holidays with just a little bit of mockery about the Copenhagen Summit and a huge admiration of yesterday’s performance of the National Cuban Ballet.
So bear with me while I walk you to the extremely hypocritical world of Christmas Eve’s supper.

Disclaimer: This work is just fictional and though you could think it’s based on real people it’s just coincidental. I don’t own the characters, I’m sure you have each one of those at your own home and you hate them just the same as I do. And though this has never happened before I’m sure as hell it could happen this year.

Christmas Eve, a house in a little town, our heroine makes a grand entrance well groomed and dressed, make up beautifully done, to that everyone is not paying any attention so intently that their brows are frowned in deep concentration.

-Okay, this is starting on the wrong foot, she thinks. How’s everyone doing?- she asks

(Silence)(Silence)(Silence)(Silence) (Silence) (Silence) (Silence) (Silence) (Silence)

It’s funny how can you hear a cricket in the middle of nowhere in the freezing cold of December.

So she gets seated beside the member of the family who loves her the most…. No, no, I’m sorry I was wrong, they seat her beside the sister-in-law who always love to say to her: “Are you alright? You seem tired” or my favorite one: “Have you put on some weight?” While the rest of the family scoffs at that. Meanwhile our heroine decides to take off her jacket, since the house is freezing to reveal a very nice but thin dress, while the rest of the family are wearing turtlenecks.

-Don’t you think you’re going to catch a cold with that dress of yours??? Someone asks. At this moment our heroine is already flushed in anger so she has stopped feeling cold.

That’s the moment when the food makes it’s appearance, and obviously the table is full of dead animals. So instead of eating she starts drinking (don’t try this at home on an empty stomach) cursing the moment when she decided that bringing something could be interpreted as her not liking her mother-in-law’s cooking.

Do you really need me to finish the story or would you like me to keep going. My point is almost 90% of the families decide that Xmas is the time of the year for leaving their differences aside. Let me tell you that in most of the cases the only thing they achieve is making their problems worse. Mixing booze and people who hate each other together is so not a good idea!

A piece of advice, if you’ve recently gone vegetarian/vegan bring something to the dinner (or Xmas lunch) unless you want to starve to death. I plan on doing it and damn my mother-in-law (she can’t cook a thing anyway).

Don’t try to impress them, they already hate you, the battle is lost. Their loss

Buy an ebook so you can surreptitiously read under the table while they’re intent on ignoring you. It will make them enormously mad to see that you don’t care if they talk to you or not, which will be extremely funny and rewarding to you.

And work harder this year, so next year you’ll have money enough to disappear on Holidays. While you’re at it choose a warmer country so you can go to the beach instead of freezing to death.

Finally, and if nothing of this works, just recite a poem (a very long one) in your head or try to remember every movement of Debussy’s Claire de Lune, so you can muffle the hurting words they’re spatting at you (for me it works wonders).

I hope I am of some assistance there, I live you with “Claire de Lune”

Clair de lune from musanim on Vimeo.

Raindrops And Sunshowers

Yesterday rummaging through a closet I found a notebook from ages ago with this little story writen on it, so today I'm going with some cheese fiition, I must have felt romantic the day I wrote this.

It’s raining. She always hated the rain but today for some reason she found herself listening to the sounds of raindrops falling on the pavement. She know she must look strange, in the middle of the park, soaking wet and trembling, but there’s no one around to see her . So she just cries. She remembers brighter days when life was clear and she knew which direction to take, those days are gone, everything changed the moment she choose. Choose between the love she had and the one she wanted, the one she couldn’t have.

Love is funny like this, you barely can choose who your heart longs for and normally it doesn’t go for the easy love. Her heart just has a tendency to choose the unrequited love, the tortured one. Sometimes she thinks she loves to suffer, that she is some kind of masochist, but the truth is that she is a really pure, she needs perfection in love she is not capable of committing to anything other, because she doesn’t want you to suffer, she doesn’t want you to feel wronged and that is why she left.
Thinking about this is not making her feel any better therefore she chooses to go home. Life is made by those little tiny choices you make, they lead you to different paths, she’s hopeful that for once one of her elections is going to give her the happiness she wants. She is starting to despair and musing about the wrongness of the path she has chosen.

In the corner she sees a black clad figure looking at her, amidst the rain and her own tears she can’t recognize the person, but the figure approaches slowly to her and opens an umbrella.
-I don’t want you to get sick. Let’s go home.

Just like that the sun is shining in her heart, it shines so bright that she’s blinded by her own exultation. It looks as though she has finally made the right choice and life couldn’t seem better.
It’s raining again, she loves it now. She likes to spend the day outdoors with her love, reminiscing the day when it all started. The road has been edgy but pleasant so far, decisions are always difficult to make, but sometimes you have to stand for what you believe. And when it’s love you can never loose.

Fade To Black

The first time you just want to feel numb, you're to young or naïve to understand what's happening, so you go to your mothers medicine cabinet and snatch some Valium. Of course you don't really want to kill yourself and you don't know anything about dosage but nonetheless you succed on spending a day sliping into unconciousness. It's really a sad moment when you realize that no one has noticed.

The next time is not on purpose, it's just that you have grown up and that you have find other ways to make you numb to the pain. You're not allowed to party as late as your friends but you do the most of it. You develop a tolerance for alcohol and drugs. So the day that you found yourself on the morning in the bathroom sleeping on your vomit, you just want to die even more because no one has noticed.

Then it starts, the lying, the cutting school to go smoking with your not-so-good friends, the going out with guys you don't even know, the belittling of your old friends. You fail at school, and just then they notice that something is wrong with you. But the truth is that he wants you home with him. You panic, you don't want to spend another year in the same house as him so you tell your Mom. She feigns ignorance, she acusses you of provoking him. You cry, you beg to be heard. She makes you the suitcase and sends you away. She will never be your Mom again, she never was.

They send you to a boarding school, a hideous school for people with money and no better thing to do than to sell drugs in class. You meet her, you think she is going to be your savior. She is so sweet and caring. Everything stops when she gets you, she is not who you thought she was, she is abussive and possessive. You loose faith in humanity. You fear that you are never going to find the person who will love you like in the fairytales. Every morning you take a look in the mirror and you see nothing, just a nuisance for everybody. You decide to end it, you're determined, you purchase a razor blade, you slit your wrists. But when you wake up it's hell again, you we're caught just in time. You leave her, but you'll always have the scars to remember.

As you grow up you understand that you can't get over it alone, you search help. You don't have the money to pay a proper shrink so you go to the social security, they give you tons of medicine and once a month therapy. You meet this guy and think everything is going to be perfect. You're oh, so wrong,and you think everything is your fault, that your horrible, that you're damaged. This time you have the means to do it, you're adult enough to understand the dosages. While you're dying you discover that you are just another innocent child who got trampled on, that nothing was your fault, that they were supposed to cherish you, to protect you. That you were just an easy prey for them. Suddenly you don't want to die, and you close your eyes wishing you coulñd just have another chance.

Next time you regain conciousness you're driven, no one is going to get in your way. Your going to get better and live because maybe someday you could help someone in your same position and just for that all of your story would be worth it. You finish your studies, you meet a nice man, you marry.He's really nice with you and you know that he loves you, you're in love. Life is not perfect but you're happy and that is all that matters. Life was never supposed to be perfect

Just this morning when you looked into the mirror you saw the ghost of your experience, you tried to swallow it down but the tears are to powerful and quick making their appereance. You understand that you'll have to live with this all your life. Then you ask yourself "God, why me?" inmediately you get the answer, there's no God and bad things happen to good people simply because no one notices, they dont want to notice. It easier living their lives and leave the rest to fend for themselves.

Next time you're in between crossroads remember my story. Life really is worth living. And remember to help those around you, it would have been so nice if someone had helped me.

Crash Love

I know it's been long, but lately my muses just abandoned me, and I was too depressed to even be bitter about anything. No,no, don't worry my moods swings just like that. I have good days and horrible days, I've learned to live like this and it's kind of fun, it has make me a really good actress, sometimes no one can discern wether I'm happy or sad. Ah! I really love to digress....

So lately I've been following this band I love. Well, it would be more appropiate to say ciber-following because they're in the States and they're not coming to Europe until Spring, and even when they come it's hard to say if I'm going to see them, you see I live in a country where music it's not that promoted, the only ones who come here are the really big sellers (like Beyonce, U2, Sprigsteen, etc.) and even then it's just like 2 shows (almost always Madrid and Barcelona). Thouhg this year I got to see Depeche Mode, which is a band that I love because I grew up listening to their music, in my own city (Valencia for those who don't know me) so I really shouldn't complain... But you know that this blog is mainly about complaining, so just humour me.

Well, it looks as though today there will be more digressing than usual, I have to make it up to you for many days of silence.

The band I was talking two paragraphs above is called A.F.I, If you don't know them go google them, I'm not in the mood to play teacher. This last September they edited their new album, it's called Crash Love. I really don't want to make another rewiev like the thousand I have read before, I just want to use the album as a means of reflecting in the society in which we are living (or should I say surviving?).

I'm really tired of reading interwievs in wich they ask them the same stupid questions about their frontman change of style, the newer direction from their previous releases and whatnots about their dietary choices.

The album is quite critical with the media based society in which we are living, this criticism reaches it's peak with songs like "It was mine". I'm really tired of switching on tv or reading magazines in which the only thing they do is gossip about singers, actors and actresses and other celebrities. I must admit that in most cases these pseudo-celebrities are the ones who show of in front of the media. You know what they say, let them speak about you and all this nonsense. Well, I couldn't disagree more it's better if they don't speak of you, above all if what they say is who you are fucking or which color is your underwear, I found it revolting.

We live in a society in which relationships seem to tend to end badly, it's like we choose the things that are wrong on purpose, there's seems to be an unconcious desire towards failure. We always want what we cannot have, and if we achieve to have it, we discover that we had it glorified and where set on destroying it. It's like we live in this dreamland where everything is perfect, but in a relathionship (meaning friendship, love) that's impossible, let's not forget we are people after all, not gods (I gave up on the concept of God a long time ago, just for your information). It's nicely shown in songs like "Darling I want to destroy you" and "To Shy To Scream".

I'm saving for the last my favorite "Sacrilege" the first time I listened to it I felt as I was listening to my own thoughts on the matter, if you read thi blog you now how I feel about governments and the lies they feed us to keep us on check, if not please go and read previous entries. I could debate about this for years but it looks that it has started snowing and we are at sea level so it's a small miracle, so I really think it would be nice finishing this entry and go outside.


It really is a great album, I think one of the bests they've made. I use to love them when they were more a punk band, but they've grown into it (and so do I), in now I'm enamored of their music but mostly of theyr lyrics. I think that by making an album like this they show the world that what they really care about is expressing themselves and doing what they love. That my friends is my idea of art, not doing what it's supposed to sell disc or books or paintings. I'm so tired of the Dan Browns of the world and the Madonnas (who just reinvent themselves to please the trends of the moment). Please let the world be more artistic just by being yourselves, don't be afraid to say what you think even if you're shunned after for it. It's not about being different or modern or having tatoos, it's about having the courage to think for yourself, and forget for a moment what the media is constantly bombarding you with. Decide, act.

I'm off to see the snow. Have a nice day and don't forget "We never can truly know who we are".

Correction

This is going to be avery quick entry , because I'm stuck with the "Annual X-Mas window dressing" I hate with passion.

It seems I have to rectify some things about my previous entry. It seems that after the autopsy the M.E concluded that the death of the three year old child was an accident. She fell from a swing and slam her head. It would seem that the doctors upon receiving the child in the E.R didn't make the correct diagnostic and that too much time passed for the girl to survive. So instead of admiting that maybe the didn't make the correct choice while deciding which tests where necessary they did this cover up story about the child being abused by the stepfather, who was in charge of the child at the moment of the accident. The stepfather was arrested and has been declared now innocent. He's in the hospital because a psychiatrist has deemed him suicidal because he's not capable of overcoming the death of the little girl.
I would like to now what's going to happen to said doctors, I think it's a grave crime they've commited. Using something so grave as chils abuse to cover their malpractice seems surrealist to me. I hope they'll lose their licenses and spend some quality time in prison.