Raindrops And Sunshowers

Yesterday rummaging through a closet I found a notebook from ages ago with this little story writen on it, so today I'm going with some cheese fiition, I must have felt romantic the day I wrote this.

It’s raining. She always hated the rain but today for some reason she found herself listening to the sounds of raindrops falling on the pavement. She know she must look strange, in the middle of the park, soaking wet and trembling, but there’s no one around to see her . So she just cries. She remembers brighter days when life was clear and she knew which direction to take, those days are gone, everything changed the moment she choose. Choose between the love she had and the one she wanted, the one she couldn’t have.

Love is funny like this, you barely can choose who your heart longs for and normally it doesn’t go for the easy love. Her heart just has a tendency to choose the unrequited love, the tortured one. Sometimes she thinks she loves to suffer, that she is some kind of masochist, but the truth is that she is a really pure, she needs perfection in love she is not capable of committing to anything other, because she doesn’t want you to suffer, she doesn’t want you to feel wronged and that is why she left.
Thinking about this is not making her feel any better therefore she chooses to go home. Life is made by those little tiny choices you make, they lead you to different paths, she’s hopeful that for once one of her elections is going to give her the happiness she wants. She is starting to despair and musing about the wrongness of the path she has chosen.

In the corner she sees a black clad figure looking at her, amidst the rain and her own tears she can’t recognize the person, but the figure approaches slowly to her and opens an umbrella.
-I don’t want you to get sick. Let’s go home.

Just like that the sun is shining in her heart, it shines so bright that she’s blinded by her own exultation. It looks as though she has finally made the right choice and life couldn’t seem better.
It’s raining again, she loves it now. She likes to spend the day outdoors with her love, reminiscing the day when it all started. The road has been edgy but pleasant so far, decisions are always difficult to make, but sometimes you have to stand for what you believe. And when it’s love you can never loose.

Fade To Black

The first time you just want to feel numb, you're to young or naïve to understand what's happening, so you go to your mothers medicine cabinet and snatch some Valium. Of course you don't really want to kill yourself and you don't know anything about dosage but nonetheless you succed on spending a day sliping into unconciousness. It's really a sad moment when you realize that no one has noticed.

The next time is not on purpose, it's just that you have grown up and that you have find other ways to make you numb to the pain. You're not allowed to party as late as your friends but you do the most of it. You develop a tolerance for alcohol and drugs. So the day that you found yourself on the morning in the bathroom sleeping on your vomit, you just want to die even more because no one has noticed.

Then it starts, the lying, the cutting school to go smoking with your not-so-good friends, the going out with guys you don't even know, the belittling of your old friends. You fail at school, and just then they notice that something is wrong with you. But the truth is that he wants you home with him. You panic, you don't want to spend another year in the same house as him so you tell your Mom. She feigns ignorance, she acusses you of provoking him. You cry, you beg to be heard. She makes you the suitcase and sends you away. She will never be your Mom again, she never was.

They send you to a boarding school, a hideous school for people with money and no better thing to do than to sell drugs in class. You meet her, you think she is going to be your savior. She is so sweet and caring. Everything stops when she gets you, she is not who you thought she was, she is abussive and possessive. You loose faith in humanity. You fear that you are never going to find the person who will love you like in the fairytales. Every morning you take a look in the mirror and you see nothing, just a nuisance for everybody. You decide to end it, you're determined, you purchase a razor blade, you slit your wrists. But when you wake up it's hell again, you we're caught just in time. You leave her, but you'll always have the scars to remember.

As you grow up you understand that you can't get over it alone, you search help. You don't have the money to pay a proper shrink so you go to the social security, they give you tons of medicine and once a month therapy. You meet this guy and think everything is going to be perfect. You're oh, so wrong,and you think everything is your fault, that your horrible, that you're damaged. This time you have the means to do it, you're adult enough to understand the dosages. While you're dying you discover that you are just another innocent child who got trampled on, that nothing was your fault, that they were supposed to cherish you, to protect you. That you were just an easy prey for them. Suddenly you don't want to die, and you close your eyes wishing you coulñd just have another chance.

Next time you regain conciousness you're driven, no one is going to get in your way. Your going to get better and live because maybe someday you could help someone in your same position and just for that all of your story would be worth it. You finish your studies, you meet a nice man, you marry.He's really nice with you and you know that he loves you, you're in love. Life is not perfect but you're happy and that is all that matters. Life was never supposed to be perfect

Just this morning when you looked into the mirror you saw the ghost of your experience, you tried to swallow it down but the tears are to powerful and quick making their appereance. You understand that you'll have to live with this all your life. Then you ask yourself "God, why me?" inmediately you get the answer, there's no God and bad things happen to good people simply because no one notices, they dont want to notice. It easier living their lives and leave the rest to fend for themselves.

Next time you're in between crossroads remember my story. Life really is worth living. And remember to help those around you, it would have been so nice if someone had helped me.

Crash Love

I know it's been long, but lately my muses just abandoned me, and I was too depressed to even be bitter about anything. No,no, don't worry my moods swings just like that. I have good days and horrible days, I've learned to live like this and it's kind of fun, it has make me a really good actress, sometimes no one can discern wether I'm happy or sad. Ah! I really love to digress....

So lately I've been following this band I love. Well, it would be more appropiate to say ciber-following because they're in the States and they're not coming to Europe until Spring, and even when they come it's hard to say if I'm going to see them, you see I live in a country where music it's not that promoted, the only ones who come here are the really big sellers (like Beyonce, U2, Sprigsteen, etc.) and even then it's just like 2 shows (almost always Madrid and Barcelona). Thouhg this year I got to see Depeche Mode, which is a band that I love because I grew up listening to their music, in my own city (Valencia for those who don't know me) so I really shouldn't complain... But you know that this blog is mainly about complaining, so just humour me.

Well, it looks as though today there will be more digressing than usual, I have to make it up to you for many days of silence.

The band I was talking two paragraphs above is called A.F.I, If you don't know them go google them, I'm not in the mood to play teacher. This last September they edited their new album, it's called Crash Love. I really don't want to make another rewiev like the thousand I have read before, I just want to use the album as a means of reflecting in the society in which we are living (or should I say surviving?).

I'm really tired of reading interwievs in wich they ask them the same stupid questions about their frontman change of style, the newer direction from their previous releases and whatnots about their dietary choices.

The album is quite critical with the media based society in which we are living, this criticism reaches it's peak with songs like "It was mine". I'm really tired of switching on tv or reading magazines in which the only thing they do is gossip about singers, actors and actresses and other celebrities. I must admit that in most cases these pseudo-celebrities are the ones who show of in front of the media. You know what they say, let them speak about you and all this nonsense. Well, I couldn't disagree more it's better if they don't speak of you, above all if what they say is who you are fucking or which color is your underwear, I found it revolting.

We live in a society in which relationships seem to tend to end badly, it's like we choose the things that are wrong on purpose, there's seems to be an unconcious desire towards failure. We always want what we cannot have, and if we achieve to have it, we discover that we had it glorified and where set on destroying it. It's like we live in this dreamland where everything is perfect, but in a relathionship (meaning friendship, love) that's impossible, let's not forget we are people after all, not gods (I gave up on the concept of God a long time ago, just for your information). It's nicely shown in songs like "Darling I want to destroy you" and "To Shy To Scream".

I'm saving for the last my favorite "Sacrilege" the first time I listened to it I felt as I was listening to my own thoughts on the matter, if you read thi blog you now how I feel about governments and the lies they feed us to keep us on check, if not please go and read previous entries. I could debate about this for years but it looks that it has started snowing and we are at sea level so it's a small miracle, so I really think it would be nice finishing this entry and go outside.


It really is a great album, I think one of the bests they've made. I use to love them when they were more a punk band, but they've grown into it (and so do I), in now I'm enamored of their music but mostly of theyr lyrics. I think that by making an album like this they show the world that what they really care about is expressing themselves and doing what they love. That my friends is my idea of art, not doing what it's supposed to sell disc or books or paintings. I'm so tired of the Dan Browns of the world and the Madonnas (who just reinvent themselves to please the trends of the moment). Please let the world be more artistic just by being yourselves, don't be afraid to say what you think even if you're shunned after for it. It's not about being different or modern or having tatoos, it's about having the courage to think for yourself, and forget for a moment what the media is constantly bombarding you with. Decide, act.

I'm off to see the snow. Have a nice day and don't forget "We never can truly know who we are".

Correction

This is going to be avery quick entry , because I'm stuck with the "Annual X-Mas window dressing" I hate with passion.

It seems I have to rectify some things about my previous entry. It seems that after the autopsy the M.E concluded that the death of the three year old child was an accident. She fell from a swing and slam her head. It would seem that the doctors upon receiving the child in the E.R didn't make the correct diagnostic and that too much time passed for the girl to survive. So instead of admiting that maybe the didn't make the correct choice while deciding which tests where necessary they did this cover up story about the child being abused by the stepfather, who was in charge of the child at the moment of the accident. The stepfather was arrested and has been declared now innocent. He's in the hospital because a psychiatrist has deemed him suicidal because he's not capable of overcoming the death of the little girl.
I would like to now what's going to happen to said doctors, I think it's a grave crime they've commited. Using something so grave as chils abuse to cover their malpractice seems surrealist to me. I hope they'll lose their licenses and spend some quality time in prison.

Family Tree

Today's a really sad day, I don't even have the courage to write today. Something in the news this morning took all my happiness, just like that, everything was sucked into a big black hole of despair.

You see, a child has died, a three year old baby girl. She was beaten an raped, she crashed three times and the fourth her heart just gave up. I think it's better this way, she doen't have to suffer anymore. Suffer a stepfather( her mother's boyfriend) that abused her and a mother whose willingness to believe her boyfrined and to discredit the doctors says a lot about her character. How can you say that the chid fell when there's evidence of anal and vaginal abuse? (I'm really sorry if I'm being crude but somethings just need to be said). And now what? The mother is not going to press charges and for the doctors it's going to be nearly impossible to prove that the father is the culprit, and anyways do you really think a three year old child belongs in the autopsy room?. Another innocent child has suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to protect her. Can't you see the drama here? Don't you feel like crying? Isn't this world horrible enough when you grow up that we feel the need to corrupt such innocence.

To make things even worse the next piece of news is just as disheartening as the first one.It looks as the Irish Catholic Church concealed with the approval of the Government the sexual abuse that their priests inflicted upon the childs in their diocese. This happened between 1975 and 2004. There are 46 priests charged. It seems to me that what the government did is just the famous "Don't ask, don't tell " policy.

Not even two seconds ago I discovered that a man form Atlanta has been charged with more than a hundred charges of sodomy and infantil abuse. It seems that this monster (I don't think we can call him a man) was a nurse and abused his patients while they were under the anesthesia. You can imagine the problem now to find the victims becuse they were unconcious.

I really don't like where this world is going, I was an abused child, I've suffered, I have cried tears of blood. I'm trying to forgive now because I think it makes you stronger. But one thing I'm sure of, I will never forget. And if it's in my hand to save even just one little child from living what I lived everything will be worth it.

Please, I beg you to not turn a blind eye on this. It's atrocius and we must be the ones to start the change. Just try and protect the innocent from the monsters, even if the monsters are they own parents. Don't be afraid to take action, it's better getting involved than repent later.

I leave you to your things now, for today is all I have to say. I'm mourning the death of innocence.

P.D.- The song today is from Megadeth.

Voice of God is Government

Nice song from Bad Religion for those of you who haven't heard it. Did I tell you already that I'm an atheist? No? Well, now you know it.

I want to apologise first and foremost because I'm going to chage the language of today's post. You see I have this friend (Mr. Cute Engineer, I'm sure you've heard of him before) that just yesterday was complainig that he couldn't comment on my blog because it was in English (though he reads it, funny no?), so today I'm going to make an exception and see if he comments when the blog is writen in Spanish, please bear with me just for today and I strongly encourage you to pick a dictionary and try and translate what I say.

Querido Rafa, llevo mucho tiempo dandole vueltas a una entrada sobre religion, se que es un tema muy polemico pero ahora con la reforma de la ley del aborto me siento mas obligada que nunca a hacerla.

En realidad, todos los que me conocen saben que mi vena atea no es algo pasajero, no entiendo como nadie puede creer en algo absolutamente intangible, es como si me diera ahora por decir que mi despertador me habla por las mañana y escribiera un libro sobre ello, quizas (con el suficiente marketing de por medio) en un futuro lejano se siguieran los preceptos de mi Despertador como una verdad absoluta e inmutable. Por lo pronto, si dijera que mi despertador me habla me internarian en un psiquiatrico (ahi va, se me habia olvidado que en este pais ya no hay ni psiquiatricos ni locos).

Hablare de la religion catolica (fijate que no lo pongo en mayusculas ni nada) que es la que, para mi desgracia, mas conozco.

Empecemos por lo que mas me gusta "Arrepientete de tus pecados y te seran perdonados". Vaya, que facil, yo voy por ahi matando gente, me arrepiento en el ultimo momento, me dan la extrema uncion esa y derechitos al cielo. Mola ¿No?.

Y que me dices de aquello de pon la otra mejilla; normal que haya mujeres maltratadas, si le enseñan eso desde pequeñitas encima pensaran que se merecen que les peguen y que denunciar al marido/novio es un atentando a la Biblia.

Y uno de los mas graciosos, ahora de repente el Diablo (este si que lo voy a poner en mayusculas que a mi personalmente me mola mas) ya no existe, bueno... Si tenemos en cuenta que toda la Biblia esta fundamentada en la interminable lucha entre el bien y el mal, si Dios encarna el bien ¿quien encarna ahora el mal?. Si ademas pensamos que el susodicho Lucifer (o como queramos llamarle) era un angel venido a menos... En fin, que me resulta un poco sospechoso. O te crees el cuento de hadas al completo o no te lo crees, no vale ir adaptandolo a nuestra conveniencia ¿no?. Que yo sepa Blancanieves sigue mordiendo la manzana.

Que me dices del telefono directo del Papa (que nombre mas gracioso) con Dios, se me antoja un poco como el de Gila. Mi Capitan que nos hemos quedado sin balas.

De lo de la concepcion vriginal de Jesucristo no voy a hablar porque la verdad es que el pobre Jose me da mucha pena, menos mal que siendo carpintero tendria herraminetas para rebajarse un poco los cuernecillos.

Dejando las gracias a un lado es muy triste que en pleno siglo XXI la gente siga sosteniendo unas creencias que a ojos vista estan desfasadas (¡Mira! como la Constitucion Española) y que enciman las utilicen para fundamentar comportamientos en muchos casos ofensivos con el projimo (que mira tu por donde va en contra de las enseñanzas de la Biblia).

Señores, si quieren ustedes que el aborto no sea libre, porque quitar una vida es un pecado universal , enseñenles a sus hijas a usar preservativos . Uff casi lo olvido, que eso tambien va en contra ed Dios, pero ¿me puede alguien señalar que pasaje de la Biblia hace referencia al tema? En fin, a mi tampoco me parece muy bien que las menores de edad puedan abortar sin el consentimiento de sus padres (corremos el riesgo de convertirlo en un metodo anticonceptivo) pero me parece peor que se obligue a una niña a tener un hijo que no desea (lo que convertira al niño en un desgraciado gran parte de su infancia). No voy a exponer el tema de las violacones porque creo que la mayoria de la gente (catolicos, budistas, arabes y pastafaristas) estaran de acuerdo conmigo en que obligar a alguien a tener la progenie de un desaprensivo asi es cuando menos cuestionable.

En este pais lo que hace falta es mas educacion, tal vez asi acabemos con los maltratos (porque si a mi un tio me pone la mano encima, cuando me levante del suelo tengo una carrera y un medio de alimentacion independiente del muy barbaro), los embarazos no deseados (porque se como se pone un condon y mi madre me ha acompañado al ginecologo para que me de algun metodo anticonceptivo para asegurame de no aumentar la poblacion del planeta) e incluso tal vez se acabe la falta de solidaridad que existe en este planeta. Nos gusta mucho quejarnos de los fundametalistas arabes pero me gustaria recordarles a muchos que estudien historia y que echen un vistazo a las Cruzadas, hace no mucho nuestra querida Iglesia era igual de barbara (y si no que se lo digan a esos moriscos expulsados a los que ahora les han reconocido la "njusticia").

Bueno, lamento mucho si he ofendido a alguien con mis creencias, o mejor dicho con mi falta de ellas, se que corro el riesgo de morir e ir al infierno y eso. Seguro que no hace mucho me hubieran quemado por hereje (y eso que no soy pelirroja). Pero este es mi blog y no me da la gana callarme las cosas que pienso. ¡Ala! He dicho.

P.D.- Que conste que no pongo acentos porque mi PC se ha declarado en huelga de acentuaci´´on (como podeis comprobar en esta palabra) y el ingeniero no esta aqui para arreglarmelo

Girl you've got no faith in medicine

Instead of starting with my ranting I'm going to start with one of my favorites quotes from one of the best philosophers (at least in my humble opinion) François Marie Arouet aka Voltaire: “Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing”.

I was watching House yesterday, mid episode I realized that the show was getting predictable. The structure of every episode goes like this:

-Patient with a strange illnes arrives at House's service, mostly of the time House is forced to take the patient by Dr. Cuddy (or he take is the patient because some dark secret agenda, or just to spite someone).

-House's minions do a preliminar diagnostic. He disagrees but lets them treat the patient (maybe because he has no f**** idea what's wrong).

-The patient start to gets better, so while the doctors are in the room with him congratulating themselves for a job well done the patient starts to crash (this always happen, always).

-The doctors can't figure out what's wrong with the patient until House has some kind of epiphany, this happens 90% of the time while he's debating one of his stupid schemes with Dr. Wilson.

-He goes to the patient's room and in a very unpolite way he tells him, that he's a liar and that he's going to get better.

-Here you can find a slight deviation when in the first epiphany he really doesn't figure out what's wrong so he has a second one.

The writers rarely stray from this script, the show lacks more personal interrelations between the doctors, and when there's something interesting happenig not related to the brilliant and inteligent (and ass doctor) House they cut it off, heck they even cut it off when it's House related (this Huddy thing it's starting to get really old). So after six seasons everything is the same, last season it already happened to me to think that it was the last season that I watched that show but then like clockwork you have the excellent and shocking finale so you just can't avoid watching the upcoming season to see how it resolves, then 2 or 3 nice episodes and then mediocrity again.

At first it was fun seeing a doctor so irreverent and without any prejudice against saying what he was thinking, now it just seem to me that House is just a poor old man who, because of his own idiocy (I don't think we can call brilliant a man whose sole purpose in life is making his peers miserable), is alone and is bound to die alone. I'm beggining to hate show characters that are that rude, it gives people leverage to say what they want without thinking about the consequences. I defend sincerity but sometimes you just got to now when to shut your mouth.

And remember, it's never Lupus.

P.S.- Today's title song was provided by the faboulous The White Stripes